When Does It Feel Like They’ve Gone Back to School and I Have More Time?

Thursday, September 15th, 2011 | I Can Whine, too | 3 Comments

Let’s see: they’re back in school. They’re all full day four days a week–not the same four days, but four days. I should feel like I have more time, right? Or at least more time than I did this summer.

When does that start?

After I make that trip in to Lily’s class midday for her “unique week,” probably.

Or maybe after the three multi-hour midday meetings for the community ski program I run, because I was apparently, in one moment two years ago when I had to volunteer anyway because my kid was in the program as a kindergartener and you have to, weak. I am not usually weak. “No” is my middle name. This is why.

Or maybe it will be after the two “family picnics” we have this weekend. One family picnic is fun. Two is overkill.

Or maybe after the family birthday party for Rory next week. Or her real birthday party, a week later because, well, I didn’t get on it quick enough.

I’ve had dozens of midweek interruptions just in the seven–count ‘em, seven–days they’ve all been in school. (Including some, like the haircut I put off all summer, that I actually wanted.) It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever get out of this feeling that I just need another hour. I write slow. I think hard. Then I write slow some more, and then I rewrite, slow. I write in molasses, basically. I write slow and the days go by fast.

Alone at Almost Last

Sunday, June 19th, 2011 | I Can Whine, too | 2 Comments

I am going to be in my house alone.

This is not an invitation to come party (or come rob me: I will have you know that I have a very fierce if kinda fluffy looking dog). It’s a preliminary celebration. I am so looking forward to this, and when it is over, I may be a little weepy. Rob is going out of town for a couple of nights, and I was invited to a reception at a local museum and thought, hell, drinks, small talk but drinks and an excuse to get a sitter…and then I took the whole thing one step further and persuaded to sitter to keep them all overnight and I am going to be alone.

I may not really go to that reception. I said I would, but, meh. I can always drink here, alone. Did I say alone? Alone!

I’m an only child. This probably doesn’t surprise anyone, given my general self-centeredness and inability to play well with others. I am an only child and I mostly liked being an only child, and when I finally reached a point in life when I could afford to live alone I did so happily for years. I like to be alone. I like to eat alone. I like to read alone. I like to sit in absolute, TV free silence reading old books I have read before and eating potato chips for dinner, alone.

And I get a night to do it in my very own house.

I am indecently excited. I just read this blog post from Suburban Bliss, wherein she was alone for a week, and I almost wept from envy–but she was on vacation. I may not get a week (a week!) but I do get to eat my chips on my own couch. (A week! Can you imagine the hoops I would have to jump through to achieve a week! Oh, suburban bliss, I DO envy you. I can’t pretend.)

Thinking about my upcoming treat is reminding me of the two apartments I lived in alone, in New York. The first was a summer sublet, and entirely inhabited by the belongings of an older Gramercy Park couple. I think they were shrinks, with a lot of very tasteful art from their travels, and they warned me not to ever take the subway anywhere ever, but only the bus. I didn’t listen, but I lived their apartment, which was close to Balducci’s and makes me think of all the things I saw and felt for the first time in New York, which is a fantastic city to be alone in.

The second was the top floor of a brownstone owned by a recently divorced woman who’d just come out of the closet and was so loving her freedom and her life that the whole building just pulsed with all the fun she was having. I loved that apartment and that block and that life.

I love this life, too. I love all these little kids and their forts and their friends. Today both Rory and Wyatt learned to ride their bikes without training wheels, all thanks to Daddy, and I love that, and him. I love everyone who needs me, and I love to be needed. But I will really love not being needed for just one night.

Sunday Night Pity Party

Sunday, May 22nd, 2011 | I Can Whine, too | 1 Comment

Whew.

It is Sunday night. We had a long, nice weekend of mellow togetherness. Helped Sam with his model of Spaceship Earth. Took Lily, Wyatt and Rory to the bookstore with their wallets. Went to a grown-up party (for us, there were a few kids there but hey, not ours!) and made new friends, a rarity in our town, where a) we tend to already know most people and b) (and probably more relevantly) people only talk to people they know at parties. Cleaned some things, organized some other things, planned the cleaning and organization of still more. (I have a friend who actually likes to move furniture, and she’s coming over this week, and I expect we will totally trash the place.)

And I am DONE. Take me out of the oven, baby, my bottom is burnt and I’m definitely crispy. It took all my newish whatever patiency style stuff not to just start screaming about 5:55 (and I might have yelled, just a little, here and there, at people who would not go brush their teeth or finish making their lunch or had left messy messes in my newly cleaned spaces. It’s actually kind of shameful how much yelling I still allow myself within my new improved parameters. It’s a really good thing I don’t have, say, a yelling shock collar. Do you think they make those? Am I still in my parenthetical? Whoa.)

Ok, so, in the interest of venting, I would just like to provide a brief list of things I did not wish to do, watch, find cute or be a part of tonight:

1. I do not want to get in between two people playing even the happiest game of tickle tag.
2. I cannot be charmed by even the cutest little person who wants to put on a blindfold, grope around the kitchen for me, and then crow “I found you!” over and over again.
3. I do not want to learn your magic trick.
4. I do not want to watch your magic trick.
5. I really, really do not want to learn your magic trick.
6. Seriously, did you hear me? Because I love you and I am trying so hard to be nice but I really do not want to learn your magic trick.
7. I still don’t.
8. I will not agree that it is really awesome that Krypto wants to lick your toes.
9. I do not believe that you have brushed your teeth, but we have dental insurance, and if you want to let them rot and get cavities, you are the one it’s going to hurt.
10. I do know where your toothpaste is.

Goodnight.

Hoo, Boy (although Hoo, Girl is Probably More Apt

Friday, March 24th, 2006 | I Can Whine, too | 314 Comments

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Booster Seats and the New Odyssey

Friday, March 10th, 2006 | I Can Whine, too | 298 Comments

We just bought the customary third child minivan, for two reasons: primarily because in our SUV, in order to reach the third row, either a) you fold down one of the front seats, thus leaving no room for two car seats or b) the child in the third row has to climb over the middle row or c) you have to open the back hatch. Even taking into account how much fun all that would be, then picture one of those situations where said child decides, for whatever reason, that he cannot fasten the seat belt…

So. That’s the primary reason, and from that point of view, things are fine. But there was a second reason–carpooling. Once every three weeks, I have to put three four-year-olds in the car and shuttle them from point a to point b. I would MUCH rather do this without removing one of the soon-to-be-two LATCH-based car seats–in other words, I planned, not unreasonably, I don’t think, to put all three in the third row. Obviously they have to be in boosters, both for safety reasons and because hey, it’s the law.

Well, no. Not easily, anyway. Because of where Honda has put the seat belt in the middle seat in the back, although you can fit three boosters across fairly easily, the one in the middle has to sit on top of the seat belt–and even an adult can’t get it buckled if it’s squarely underneath the plastic booster seat base. Honda doesn’t make an extender for it, either–I checked.
You can, JUST, get a britax starriser in there. Of course, they’re apparently not making those anymore, and all the other seats on the market have too wide a base to do this.

This, needless to say, is frustrating. I think we have worked it out–an adult will have to do the buckling, though, but it isn’t that often…still, you would think the possibility of someone wanting to put three kids back there, in the top-rated family minivan in the country, would have occurred to them.

Plus there’s no change holder. So, it’s the best mini-van for people who live in places with neither meters nor tolls, who do not plan to put three kids in booster seats (Or, presumably, car seats, although I haven’t tried it) in the third row.

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Irritable

Thursday, March 9th, 2006 | I Can Whine, too | 185 Comments

This is quickly becoming the blog of the cranky. I am not usually cranky, although I wouldn’t call myself particularly perky, either. But today I am deeple cranky. I have yelled at Sam about five times for being actually irritating and several times for just being. Now, when he’s finally at school and Lily is napping, I just can’t DO anything.

For starters, two of the three things I most want to do–have a baby and buy a new house–are totally out of my control. I hate that to begin with. The third thing–finish my book–seems so daunting. Usually I have no problem sitting down to work knowing that it could be five minutes, or thirty, or an hour–if I did, I’d never work. But I’m not doing it well today. For one thing, Dog #1 is achieving, once again, new heights in nervousness. She wants to be where I am, but she can’t be still. She kept turning circles under the computer desk until she pulled the modem off with the cords, so I moved into the bedroom. Now she wants up on the bed. She can’t get here herself, and I could lift her back half, and I would, if I believed she’d lie down—but I think what she would do is to turn circles up here. And pant. So she’s making me crazy. Can’t put her out, she’ll throw herself at the door of wherever she is endlessly. I’m beginning to seriously consider doggy prozac. I just can’t deal with her, on top of everything else, on top of ME. I can barely deal with me!

I am supposed to go to a Happy Baby party for a friend who’s due about when I am tonight, but I don’t know. I don’t feel very happy. The party might make me feel more happy, or I might end up more irritated. NOt that I think I could BE more irritated.

I hate moods. MOst of all I hate feeling like, after all, who’s fault is it I feel this way? Who’s the only person who can change it? Who can turn that frown upside-down, Pollyanna?

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The Thing About Giving Birth

Sunday, March 5th, 2006 | I Can Whine, too | 263 Comments

Packed my bag for the hospital today. Too much, I’m pretty sure, but the thing is a) I can’t reallyt remember which pants will fit, other than most emphatically NOT regular pants and b) you never know what you’ll bleed on, or otherwise cover in bodily fluids. And I packed a bag for Rob to bring later, with an outfit for the baby and the cover for the car seat and such, and made a list of things that necessarily aren’t in the bag, like make-up and a hair dryer (and if you think you don’t need those things, then more power to you, but I do.)

So from that point of view, we’re ready. I’m ready.

Except, of course, that I’m NOT. See, here’s the thing about giving birth, as I remember it from my first two experiences: It hurts. Quite a bit, and for really long expanses of time. Granted, it ends, but it’s not over yet, so I know, I KNOW, what lies ahead. History leads me to believe that I will not enjoy it; that I will in fact hate it; that I will handle it miserably and be miserable and not have any idea how to cope with such misery.

For various reasons an epidural isn’t an option for me, and I can’t count on talking them into any narcotics, lovely as those sound. If you ask me, the best way to give birth is probably with serious buzz on, but I’m guessing that would lead to visits from social services at best, so I’m pretty much stuck with nothing but my own coping mechanisms, already shown to be remarkably feeble.

Why don’t other people seem to worry about this? They are all blithe about their births–oh, I’ve forgotten all about the pain, it was worth it, it got easier every time, blah blah blah. Well let me just say this: Of course it’s worth it, but that doesn’t make it any more to look forward to, and I have absolutely not forgotten it, and no, it didn’t get any easier at all the second time and I see no reason to expect this to be any kind of improvement. Of course, it MIGHT be–there are signs, for example, that this guy is actually planning to turn around and come out face down, like babies are supposed to, which I’m told will involve a much less painful and probably shorter labor. That would be nice, but for one thing, he might not–the odds are against it–and for another, what exactly does less painful entail? Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but breaking a finger is presumably less painful than breaking a leg, and I wouldn’t be hanging about here looking forward to either if they were on the schedule for the next couple of weeks.

There it is, my festive take on giving birth. Of course, like anyone else, I’ll take a healthy baby first and above all–but after that, I’m pleading with the gods who control all this (and oh, they must be gods…)–could I get one of those easy births where you barely have time to get out of the elevator this time? Please?

Just in Case You Visit Me

Monday, January 16th, 2006 | I Can Whine, too | 535 Comments

Here is a brief list of things that actually would be helpful:

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Here is a brief list of things that might cause me to actually kill you.

I hope this is helpful.

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Stop Kicking Me! I’m Down!

Monday, January 9th, 2006 | I Can Whine, too | 99 Comments

#3 has been resolutely kicking and pushing at one particular spot on my left side for weeks now. Today he (accepting ultrasound version of sex even though I’m not invested in it, for convenience sake) outdid himself. By 2:00 I was nearly in tears. Tylenol is no help, and if you thik about it, would it be? If you had a big giant bruise and I kept poking it, would you take a little mild painkiller, or would you punch me in the nose?
The midwives said oh, that sounds painful, and maybe if I poke him, he will move. Well, he didn’t, but I did find that if I lay so that gravity is hauling him away from the spot, he can’t get there. Increased comfort for me.
Which brings me to this question: Could you, would you do bedrest if it was just about you? Let me say that I am constitutionally nearly incapable of voluntarily napping, so I don’t think I could–but let’s say that you were really, really in a lot of pain or discomfort for whatever reason, but the baby was in no danger, but you felt better in bed–a lot better. I’m not talking putting your feet up a bit and resting, here, but real pain or misery of some kind–constant vomiting, say, or a really disabling series of headaches. Do you concede to greater forces, or force yourself to power through?
I am not at this point, not nearly, and maybe it’s purely hypothetical–I just wondered.

The Thanksgiving Weight-loss Plan

Monday, November 28th, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 686 Comments

1) Eat all meals with eighteen-month-old on your lap. Succumb to her demand that you give her all the good bits. Martyr yourself by refusing to let anyone else sit with misbehaving child in the car.
2) Visit someone who, if that person saw the way you usually eat while pregnant, might say things like “oh, of course you can eat that way, but I have to be careful.” Which almost sounds like a complement–but isn’t. It’s one of those things best left unsaid.
3) Bring children to a gathering of childless adults or parents of adult children, all of whom are variously more interesting, more accomplished and better traveled than you are feeling, as, in order to maintain the peace, you read “Peek-a-Whoo?” for the eleventh time.
3) Have the main meal at the children’s table. Listen to the distant conversation of the grown-ups. Realize you have nothing to contribute in any case.
4) No gravy.

I’m struggling here with the ever-present anonymity question. If my blog were anonymous, I might say more–but suffice it to say that I did not, for various reasons including the fact that Lily spent one night vomiting all over the place, particularly enjoy my Thanksgiving. I found it difficult to be thankful. Generally speaking, I just about managed resentful. For the most part, this was no one’s fault but my own, and probably added to no one’s enjoyment of the party, either. I was a surly, sleep-deprived presence, capable of only momentary bursts of intelligence or graciousness. And don’t anyone tell me I wasn’t, because I dont want to hear it.

I Do Not Want to Talk on the Phone

Friday, October 21st, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 725 Comments

I am a bad person with a massive guilt complex, but I rarely return phone calls. I do not like them. They require too much real-time presence, and the only time I have any real-time presence to give is, generally, at night after bed time, a time I devote to a) recovering and b) novel writing.
I am so protective of my time. I feel like it’s a slippery eel, always swimming away from me as I grab after it with both hands. When it comes to phone calls, I’m not good at multi-tasking, unless I’m cleaning. That I can do. But I really can’t talk on the phone and tend a child–not because I necessarily give said child that much attention, but because, I think, it’s the same attention. I only have so much to offer another sentient being in my space at any one time. For the some reason, I have begun to fail at the kind of shared playdates where the mom comes too, which are usually the best kind–I just can’t talk to all these people at once.
So what this boils down to is that I don’t return calls. Not to my best friend, not to my own mother, not to my mother-in-law, who I think is the only one who takes it personally. I just hope that these people will continue to put up with me even though I only call them when there are dishes to wash and I can find the head set.
I’m sorry.
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Why I Hope No One Gives Me Any Wishes

Thursday, September 8th, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 57 Comments

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You Say It’s Your Birthday…

Saturday, July 23rd, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 850 Comments

I am not feeling particularly chipper on this, the anniversary of my birth. We had a good day. Rob took the kids grocery shopping this morning, giving me a bit of time, and then we met a few friends at a BBQ festival, where we got to eat a lot of charred, sauce covered pork, which is one of my very favorite things. It would have made a fine Saturday, but for some reason, it was a bit of a let down birthday. No stuff upper lip here, it wasn’t awful, no one forgot, gifts were given, phone calls from friends were taken, Sam shook sprinkles over a store-bought cake and insisted on candles.
It’s just that I feel not so happy, and since I usually feel reasonable happy, I suspect my birthday (oh, plus two nights of bad sleep, one thanks to Lily, one thanks to an excess of espresso) is to blame.
I think primarily that the things that are always true grated even more today. That I managed maybe an hour or two to myself, and felt weighed down, as always, by the pressure of the weedy garden, the undone laundry, the missing puzzle pieces, the dishwasher full of clean dishes longing for their homes, the sheer enormous piles of stuff that surround us and threaten to collapse on our heads daily. I was so frustrated that, for a birthday treat, I cleaned out the fridge simply by throwing away anything old right inside its tupperware, or, in one case, right in the bowl. So there.
I’m pretty sure that showed someone.
We met friends, but couldn’t actually talk to them, since we were all embroiled in tending the needs of the small ones who dominate us and, by sheer virtue of being louder, whinier ond less reasonable than one would think anyone could get away with, always come first. And the moment they sense that it’s gone too far, that you’ve decided the next thing you do will not involve an ice cream, or a balloon animal, but actually feeding yourself or perhaps exchanging a non-kid-related sentence with another adult, they trump you: “I have to go PEE!”. Or they start bleeding.
The fates will punish me, I know they will, they have done so before, so I ask them please just to overlook the following, because I am not suggesting that they be taken away:
I don’t actually even LIKE small children.
I’m not even going to follow that up with the usual caveats. Just that preliminary note to those all-dominating fates and the goddess of irony, who knows full well that Alanis Morisette doesn’t know jack.
So, I don’t know, today I’m fighting the chains, I’m lighting a candle, I’m cursing the darkness. Today I am not resigned.

Chronicles of the Sleepless and Damned

Friday, April 8th, 2005 | Have I mentioned that I have kids?, I Can Whine, too | 8 Comments

I just hit Lily’s crib so hard that I think I broke my hand. Really helped. too. I imagine she feels really secure in there right now. I also screamed back at her in rage, hit myself repeatedly in the head with my hand and shook said crib, hard. All in an attempt to get her to just GO TO SLEEP AND STAY ASLEEP DAMNIT.

No one heard me and came to my rescue. Probably more significantly, no one came to her rescue, either. I have not slept for more than 45 minutes straight in three days. Neither has she.

So I finally picked her up, held her for the two minutes she needs to fall back asleep, and put her back in the crib. If I don’t, she screams on and on, in increasing rage and agony. She struggles and struggles (she’s in a blanket sack) unti l she pulls herself upright. She is nowhere near crying herself to sleep, not even remotely. She can go forty minutes, I assume longer. I can’t. For all those who’ve successfully sleep trained their child by letting them scream it out and then told me how wonderful it was, I say, Fuck You. FUCK YOU. Thanks so much for making me feel, if at all possible, even worse than I already did. Because now, not only are we both miserable, but it’s my fault, because I can’t even teach her to sleep properly.

My hand hurts. I feel like hell, and I feel like shit. Why can’t I just let her sleep with me? She’ll never learn, mutter the voices.

This is ridiculous.

I Went for a Run Today, and It

Thursday, April 7th, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 6 Comments

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The River of Bile

Sunday, March 20th, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 690 Comments

Thinking the reference to bile is figurative, and I intend, perhaps, to rant in some negative way about some subject dear to my heart? Sadly, sadly, you are wrong.

The bile is literal. Bile, vomit, barf, chunks, throw-up…I’ve been down with then all for the past 20 hours or so, giving me four hours to go on a supposed 24-hour bug (what, and then I can go out for burgers?)

Lifting my head up from my night of convening with the porcelein goddess, I discovered that I had some questions. Why, for example, does it come out your nose? What exactly is the link between vomit and diarrhea? Is it theoretically possible to persuade the the partially digested food to depart one’s body out one orifice, rather than the other? If, afflicted with diarrhea, you put a finger down your throat, would that fix the problem? Conversely, would a suppository of some sort have helped me eject my dinner, lunch and a day’s worth of snacks in a marginally more pleasant way? (By the way, let me just put in a plug here for sushi as perhaps one of the least advisable pre-ralph-o-rama meals.)

What better place to seek out the skinny on puke than the Internet? Surely there must be some website devoted to Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Barfing But Were Afraid to Ask. House o’ Hurl, perhaps? TossYourCookies.com? Upchuck.org?

Turns out there’s really very little out there on the subject. I did learn that vomiting “ejects the intruders” from the stomach, diarrhea from the intestines–so I suppose my theories for speeding up the progress through artificial encouragement of either aren’t going to help at all. I also found that if you read the word vomit many times, it loses all meaning and begins to look completely wrong, like it’s not the word you meant at all.

I still don’t know why it comes out your nose. I do know this: I don’t like it. I can only hope I’m done (and that neither Sam nor Lily is next…).

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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005 | I Can Whine, too | 400 Comments

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iMelody: Most new phones that don’t do Nokia’s Smart Messaging are using this format.

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[31] The health concerns have grown as clonopin xanax penetration rates throughout Europe reached 80%–90% levels earlier in this decade and prolonged exposure studies have been carried out in almost all European countries again most reporting no effect, and the most alarming studies only reporting clonopin xanax effect.

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In many countries, such as xanax and children States, Australia, Brazil, Costa Rica, India, Japan, and South Korea and Vietnam GSM co-exists with other internationally adopted standards such as CDMA and TDMA, as well as national standards such as iDEN in the USA and PDC in Japan.

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Given the high levels of societal notes ringtone cell phone service penetration, it is notes ringtone cell phone means for people to communicate with each other.

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Given the high levels of societal notes ringtone cell phone service penetration, it is notes ringtone cell phone means for people to communicate with each other.

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Fully automatic cellular networks were first introduced in free loan agreement form to mid 1980s (the 1G generation).

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Fully automatic cellular networks were first introduced in free loan agreement form to mid 1980s (the 1G generation).

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The SMS feature spawned waggoner ringtones porter sub-culture amongst younger users.

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The SMS feature spawned waggoner ringtones porter sub-culture amongst younger users.

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[2] unsecured fee 25,000 no personal loans service was one of the very first successful m-commerce services, with social media features like composing, sharing, and rating unsecured fee 25,000 no personal loans s.

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Thus sexy ringtones s are better for isolated emergencies such as vehicle accidents.

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[31] The health concerns have grown as clonopin xanax penetration rates throughout Europe reached 80%–90% levels earlier in this decade and prolonged exposure studies have been carried out in almost all European countries again most reporting no effect, and the most alarming studies only reporting clonopin xanax effect.

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[31] The health concerns have grown as clonopin xanax penetration rates throughout Europe reached 80%–90% levels earlier in this decade and prolonged exposure studies have been carried out in almost all European countries again most reporting no effect, and the most alarming studies only reporting clonopin xanax effect.

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[31] The health concerns have grown as clonopin xanax penetration rates throughout Europe reached 80%–90% levels earlier in this decade and prolonged exposure studies have been carried out in almost all European countries again most reporting no effect, and the most alarming studies only reporting clonopin xanax effect.

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[31] The health concerns have grown as clonopin xanax penetration rates throughout Europe reached 80%–90% levels earlier in this decade and prolonged exposure studies have been carried out in almost all European countries again most reporting no effect, and the most alarming studies only reporting clonopin xanax effect.

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Studies have found vastly different relative risks (RR).

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Mobile phone use on aircraft is also prohibited and many airlines claim in their in-plane announcements that this prohibition is due to possible interference with aircraft radio communications.

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Mobile phone use on aircraft is also prohibited and many airlines claim in their in-plane announcements that this prohibition is due to possible interference with aircraft radio communications.

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Mobile phones are fully digital, hence are signalled to ring as part of for free carriers ringtones all they use to communicate with the cell base stations.

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