Just in Case You Visit Me

Here is a brief list of things that actually would be helpful:

  • Buckling any child into his or her car seat at any time.
  • Any form of playroom cleaning, dishwasher loading or table wiping that is done without making a big deal out of what you’re doing, so that I feel bad for not doing it myself.
  • Putting any child into a coat or shoes that is appropriate for the weather when we are about to go out.
  • Reading to any child who’d like to be read to, particularly if I am already reading to the other child at that moment.
  • Giving any child a fun activity that’s slightly too difficult for said child, then helping the child do it.
  • Saying “Oh, we’ll go to the store. You just rest.” (I AM hugely pregnant…)
  • Here is a brief list of things that are not helpful:

  • Putting a child into the (completely too light) coat it has chosen, while telling the child that it is far too cold for the coat, so that I have to come and force said child into a different coat.
  • Giving the child a difficult activity, then getting out your knitting.
  • Reading a single page of a puzzle page book requested by a child, then refusing to turn the page until you put the puzzle back together, on the grounds that otherwise you will never be able to figure out which pieces go on which page, so that the child loses interest and returns to me to be read to. The puzzles are designed for four year olds. Please. Cope.
  • Pointing out that I have failed to do anything which you could easily just do for me, like closing the back hatch of the car.
  • Saying “Oh, so we’re going to go to the store, then, and you’re just going to take it easy?”
  • Here is a brief list of things that might cause me to actually kill you.

  • Looking into the street when I am turning or backing out of the driveway and telling me when I am good to go.
  • Trying to hold my bag when I am doing something, by standing right on top of me and holding it while I hold it.
  • Insisting that I respond to your conversation when I am trying to keep a small child from wandering into the street, falling off a chair, pouring a hot drink all over itself or otherwise coming to harm while another small child jumps up and down, pulling on my coat and getting in between me and the first child, shrieking that it needs something.
  • I hope this is helpful.

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    535 Responses to “Just in Case You Visit Me”

    1. Caryn says:

      Ooh, boy. Visit not going well? I’m feeling for you and wishing you the best.

    2. JK says:

      I’m sorry. Good list though.